Post by Power9x on Jan 17, 2011 12:46:38 GMT -4
Hey, I'm here. Woo, exciting. Probably, as I've seen lurking a little over the past few days, there's not many people here that I still know. For those of you who don't know me then, I've been here for quite a while, a second generation member (I guess, IDK the official terminology for "came here when the tags were still 'newgens', after the show was cancelled and after the whole Tremorton High collapsed) of the site. I rarely visit now, mostly cause of new commitments, social entanglements, and a general loss of interest in the show (though a fondness for Teenage Robot is still maintained), but still pop back up on occasion to post a flurry of comments on every single topic, get bored with the slow pace of the site, and leave for months on end before returning for another similar flurry of comments. Well, this time I actually had life get me away from any regular visitation of the site, namely spiraling back into a depression much more rapidly than I had before.
It started around august last year, right about before school started up. My spirits at first, were high. Pursuing filmmaking, I had finally convinced my parents to send me off to a camp to accomadate such ventures outward, and as such, I felt renvigortated not only in my talents, which I had been able to strengthen through the experience, but also through my personal relationships: being an autistic (to a degree, I'm AS at most, so I don't want to pull a Chris Chan and flaunt it as my excuse for everything), I've never really gotten along with people that well, but that summer I finally had found a place where things lined up and I was accepted. Unfortunately, as that came winding down to an end, I slowly lost contact with the friends I had made there, and I realized what I had been going down for a long time at home.
For a few years now, I've been losing friends in general. People move away, class changes, I've lost the small tight knit group of close people I used to be able to hang out with and such. Really I was only left with one friend left, she being my closest friend and someone I related to on a more significant level than the others, that I even felt I could socalize with. Of course, this being a slow decline, I had just accepted it till now. People at my school were habitually apathetic towards me; I had luckily dodged cruelty from my classmates, but was always the awkward addition, never really an accepted member of any group. So I elected to be in no group. Unfortunately, the quick shock back from my previous exposure to acceptance at camp, and the subsequent loss of those relationships made me feeling a bit more down than I usually would. Added to the fact I was going through withdrawal from an antidepressant that my family gave me from childhood till now, things were not looking up. Though I tried to be optimistic about it, joining football crew for my high school, and entering a directed study on screenwriting with my gifted program. Things though, were not panning out as I would have hoped.
First of all, I had begun to destroy the one last friendship I had. Texts formerly filled with heartfelt messages and intensive conversations were now bickering about nothing, fighting just to cause conflict. I slowly lost trust in my one confidant, and began to contact her less and less. I didn't even notice at the time she was seeing my quick fall, but that'll be something for later. The idea for my screenplay, a black comedy about a character trapped within a film, slowly destroying the fourth wall, was turning into a project I couldn't stand. The movie wasn't funny, there was no focus, the characters were unlikeable, hell, downright loathsome at points, and the whole thing felt like a cruel, nilhistic and boring experience. I grew to hate any semblence of talent I may have had, cursed myself as a terrible writer and a person with no vision, and continue to write only when deadlines were due drafts that would only suffice a page count rather than a story. The football crew was a back up plan I had gone forward with at first, but things were still not looking up. And when our first game hit, the entire thing was a failure. I missed every single play, and I ruined the entire procedure. Panicking, I began talking to myself over everything. At the end, all was destroyed by my confidence. And that was quickly smote when I was wrung out by a professional camera worker who told me if I was going to act the way I did, I had no hope for ever being successful in this line of work. That I should just shut up and give up.
So I did. And I resolved to kill myself.
That night was, eventful, to say the least.I decided to atleast say goodbye to that one last friend I had. Things grew tense, and we talked for hours on the phone as she told me she loved me and she needed me and that no one else got her and all that sort of stuff. I continued to yell back telling her she was lying, that i was worthless and she should forget I even existed. I told her to stop crying, cause I wasn't worth it. I tried to hang up on her, but after 10 minutes of hearing the phone ring again and again I had to pick back up. She spilled her heart out to me, and then I spilled out mine, revealing all the insecurities and angers I had felt. I felt like people were abandoning me, and I felt like I needed to abandon everyone else first. Things got strong then when she told me she never wanted to leave me and wanted to grow old with me. I began to calm down slowly but surely, finding myself unable to listen to the voice in my head that wanted me to get on with the show. Eventually though, the voice went quiet and I calmed down enough to get back on track. After this, I was on my way to recovery.
There were misteps along the way, such as a short stay at a mental hospital, continued visits to a psychologist, not to mention being put back on pills. Though what I eventually realized was that even if I was alone, there was still always going to be people who needed me. And even if I was truely alone, I was always going to need to keep myself around, cause I didn't truely hate myself, I just was desperate and unstable and wanted a way out. That's when I began to try and help myself, and began pulling myself out of my self loathing and such, slowly building back my friends and myself. I regained trust in my family after this point as well, a series of relationships that I had also destroyed in my self destructive spiral. And it was when I had finally stepped out earlier this year I was able to rewrite my screenplay to reflect the world I had just gone through, and finally for the first time since I was a naive middle schooler writing crappy alternate universe MLAATR fanfiction, able to write something I was proud of.
So, that's my overtly long story. Since this place has a sense of nostalgia to me (and it's anonymous, while still not containing anon), I figured I'd place it here. This being the internet, a "LOL girly man" comment or something snarky should suffice as commentary, but whether there is or not it doesn't matter, I just wanted to get it all off my chest. Now, I need to go get back to writing the shots down for said screenplay: this semester I'm doing filmmaking.
It started around august last year, right about before school started up. My spirits at first, were high. Pursuing filmmaking, I had finally convinced my parents to send me off to a camp to accomadate such ventures outward, and as such, I felt renvigortated not only in my talents, which I had been able to strengthen through the experience, but also through my personal relationships: being an autistic (to a degree, I'm AS at most, so I don't want to pull a Chris Chan and flaunt it as my excuse for everything), I've never really gotten along with people that well, but that summer I finally had found a place where things lined up and I was accepted. Unfortunately, as that came winding down to an end, I slowly lost contact with the friends I had made there, and I realized what I had been going down for a long time at home.
For a few years now, I've been losing friends in general. People move away, class changes, I've lost the small tight knit group of close people I used to be able to hang out with and such. Really I was only left with one friend left, she being my closest friend and someone I related to on a more significant level than the others, that I even felt I could socalize with. Of course, this being a slow decline, I had just accepted it till now. People at my school were habitually apathetic towards me; I had luckily dodged cruelty from my classmates, but was always the awkward addition, never really an accepted member of any group. So I elected to be in no group. Unfortunately, the quick shock back from my previous exposure to acceptance at camp, and the subsequent loss of those relationships made me feeling a bit more down than I usually would. Added to the fact I was going through withdrawal from an antidepressant that my family gave me from childhood till now, things were not looking up. Though I tried to be optimistic about it, joining football crew for my high school, and entering a directed study on screenwriting with my gifted program. Things though, were not panning out as I would have hoped.
First of all, I had begun to destroy the one last friendship I had. Texts formerly filled with heartfelt messages and intensive conversations were now bickering about nothing, fighting just to cause conflict. I slowly lost trust in my one confidant, and began to contact her less and less. I didn't even notice at the time she was seeing my quick fall, but that'll be something for later. The idea for my screenplay, a black comedy about a character trapped within a film, slowly destroying the fourth wall, was turning into a project I couldn't stand. The movie wasn't funny, there was no focus, the characters were unlikeable, hell, downright loathsome at points, and the whole thing felt like a cruel, nilhistic and boring experience. I grew to hate any semblence of talent I may have had, cursed myself as a terrible writer and a person with no vision, and continue to write only when deadlines were due drafts that would only suffice a page count rather than a story. The football crew was a back up plan I had gone forward with at first, but things were still not looking up. And when our first game hit, the entire thing was a failure. I missed every single play, and I ruined the entire procedure. Panicking, I began talking to myself over everything. At the end, all was destroyed by my confidence. And that was quickly smote when I was wrung out by a professional camera worker who told me if I was going to act the way I did, I had no hope for ever being successful in this line of work. That I should just shut up and give up.
So I did. And I resolved to kill myself.
That night was, eventful, to say the least.I decided to atleast say goodbye to that one last friend I had. Things grew tense, and we talked for hours on the phone as she told me she loved me and she needed me and that no one else got her and all that sort of stuff. I continued to yell back telling her she was lying, that i was worthless and she should forget I even existed. I told her to stop crying, cause I wasn't worth it. I tried to hang up on her, but after 10 minutes of hearing the phone ring again and again I had to pick back up. She spilled her heart out to me, and then I spilled out mine, revealing all the insecurities and angers I had felt. I felt like people were abandoning me, and I felt like I needed to abandon everyone else first. Things got strong then when she told me she never wanted to leave me and wanted to grow old with me. I began to calm down slowly but surely, finding myself unable to listen to the voice in my head that wanted me to get on with the show. Eventually though, the voice went quiet and I calmed down enough to get back on track. After this, I was on my way to recovery.
There were misteps along the way, such as a short stay at a mental hospital, continued visits to a psychologist, not to mention being put back on pills. Though what I eventually realized was that even if I was alone, there was still always going to be people who needed me. And even if I was truely alone, I was always going to need to keep myself around, cause I didn't truely hate myself, I just was desperate and unstable and wanted a way out. That's when I began to try and help myself, and began pulling myself out of my self loathing and such, slowly building back my friends and myself. I regained trust in my family after this point as well, a series of relationships that I had also destroyed in my self destructive spiral. And it was when I had finally stepped out earlier this year I was able to rewrite my screenplay to reflect the world I had just gone through, and finally for the first time since I was a naive middle schooler writing crappy alternate universe MLAATR fanfiction, able to write something I was proud of.
So, that's my overtly long story. Since this place has a sense of nostalgia to me (and it's anonymous, while still not containing anon), I figured I'd place it here. This being the internet, a "LOL girly man" comment or something snarky should suffice as commentary, but whether there is or not it doesn't matter, I just wanted to get it all off my chest. Now, I need to go get back to writing the shots down for said screenplay: this semester I'm doing filmmaking.